Jul 19, 2009

i don't know

The lack of light, hollow sea
Poison beaches, limousines
Toothless dentists, cops that kill

My baby's got the lonesome lows, don't quite go away overnight
Doctor Blind, just prescribe the blue ones
If the dizzying highs don't subside overnight
Doctor Blind, just prescribe the red ones

Da da-da, da-da da-dum, da da-da
Ah ah-ah, ah-ah da-dum, ah-da-da da

Hard to hold, cold to touch
Fall to pieces, treat the rush
In hindsight, primetime talk
All your pain will end here
Let the doctor soothe your brain, dear

My baby's got the lonesome lows, don't quite go away overnight
Doctor Blind, just prescribe the blue ones
If the dizzying highs don't subside overnight
Docter Blind, just prescribe the red ones

Watching this video now, just before posting, I remembered that it's actually quite old, although I recently discovered it about a month or so ago. I first heard this song and watched the video with my step sister, or something, and it was surprisingly on MOD, a show/concept that I'm so far behind on that I thought Kelly Clarkson was someone completely different. Katy Perry's baby pink sister or someone, some thing. I didn't think I'd touch on this in this post, but have you noticed how increasingly sexual Much Music has become? And all it took was a multiple month long break from it to step back, revisit, realize and then vomit on. I had just finished not finishing Memoirs of a Geisha with my brother, about a half hour ago now, when I was just laying on the downstairs couch flipping channels. I haven't sat down to watch TV in such a long time with the intentions of watching a complete program. Only snips. I hadn't surfed the channels in months. I guess I decided to stay on Much Music, seventeen, for a little... The music video for that rain in Africa - or wherever - song was on. It was very, very on. The only thing I got out of it was the notion of women being, yet again, objects. Teases. The video consisted of the man, that singer, and his follower, just singing away, bobbing, pulling at their packages, being tan and shirtless. A dark skinned woman in a bikini most definitely appeared out of particularly nowhere onto the screen, obviously in slow mo, cruising across the set, waddling, strutting. The man, although continuing his rap song, exaggerates (upon the director's request, right?) his undying, pointy, oh so sincere love and affection for this woman. He fucking wants her fucking now! He would like a slice!!! It was disgusting. I felt a little embarrassed to be male for that moment. We aren't all horn dogs, rather puppies. My gender, again, isn't on my side.

The other day, yesterday, Meg's family, Meg and I were having a conversation about car insurance, and the fact that it's higher for males due to the statistics, and well, future predictions, that we males will cause more accidents and a riot, more so than females. Although... are we not all, well, the same? Human? How is it okay to group humans into two categories, despite their bodily functions and organs? It's degrading, and it's sad, and it's reality, and I don't like it that much. It makes me quiver, really. I feel like a number.

Anyway. Much Music. Sex. That is all. Go outside kids, before you see tits on Teletoon.

* * *

I've become a little bored. And I know being bored is a choice, and it stinks. I'm wondering if I've become too comfortable, again - ugh - with a routine. I find myself on the computer a lot more than I'd like, not blogging, but just being. At least I realize it and can put an abrupt end to it. That is what I will do.

Still, school's approaching existence hasn't clicked in. I keep mailing in these forms, checking my @queensu.ca account, confirming my courses, checking out residences, and still, I'm in Burlington. Just fling me to Kingston! But I feel I need to do a lot more before I go. My summer's becoming a lot like a school day; there are so many lists, oh so so many lists... I need/would like to...

1. Get plants for my room, gym shorts and ankle socks from a Wal Mart type thing.
2. Purchase a Queen's sweater online for a potential post-secondary sweater party, and pay half the $3000.00 (minimum registration payment).
3. Friggin' get a hold of this "Costa" guy from Apple Jacks for a 2nd job!
4. Make that video with the daisies. Just more videos in general actually.
5. Clean up iTunes! I have a lot of Beatles that must must must must be properly capitalized. Oh help me.
6. Receive a response from my pen pal/temporary neighbour (the exchange student, from, I don't know where?)
7. Make a dentist appointment for my wisdom teeth, although they aren't bugging me that much anymore. But still.
8. Tie dye with Jill and some.
9. Go to Wonderland and Wild Water Works, please?
10. Write write write letters letters letters...
11. Go to that store on Fairview.
12. Get a new back pack, and basically everything, for school. School. Hm. I thought I was done?
13. Make goodbye/care packages. F you, $
14. Give Steph back her "S" made by Meagan, and her hohner instructions, which I may've lost. Sorry, le gasp.
15. Connect.
16. All nighter. Trampoline night. Night things. Maybe in ten minutes.
17. Do that dumb e-learning thing for work.
18. Concoct artwork for the 4 mixtapes (CDs) for the Queen's mixtape exchange.
19. Paint: that little guy + LiT. That's just a note to self for now. OH MY GOD I LOVE SCARLETT JOHANSSON ...!
20. Force a canvas in front of someone, ahahaha, I thought about that just now again... Their expression...
21. Get photos from: Rogers Picnic, Broken Social Scene, The Go! Team. I bought 3 picture frames today. Twelve dollars.
22. Back to school clothing. Wow I'm ten. Just go to Value Village you fuck! Sorry.
23. Go somewhere downright ridiculous and/or outrageous!

* * *

As I was saying before, I was a little bored, and a little sad about my boredom, and just a little sad. I felt limp and lonely and so extremely detached, the most solo/single I've ever felt, I think ever. In that big blue blanket too. Curling up felt wrong, stretching out felt over exposed. I went to Wal Mart, out, and it felt a little better when I got home. I just felt/feel so damn stuck! Constipated into these suburbs that I want to toss garbage of every kind on but will want to toss love on when I come home and the trees have all grown into each other from opposite sides of this street. Snead, you've done me good for the time being. I don't want you anymore though. I'm stuck, like I said. The fact that I'm leaving is that little tic in the back of my mind that you might be able to see if you squint and turn your head 90 degrees in direct sunlight. It makes me mad to know that I'm leaving, but not yet. This in-between shit that some know that I hate. Sorry for the language by the way. And sorry for the use of the word hate. I don't hate it. It just makes me feel extremely uneasy, this "in-between" concept. Some of you know what I mean. Megs. Well I'm both mentally, and now physically in between, and I feel nauseous and out of breath and dizzy and I want to fall over on the tiles and play dead for a second. It's a little disgusting. This time, this summer, should be this forever unforgettable experience, wake up, read the paper, have your tea, have your laugh, meet that friend, bike around, read those chapters, make those sandwiches, slice that cake, squish those bugs, burn that skin, pet those puppy dogs, see those cats, see those clouds, hear those sounds, touch that skin, that girl, that boy, those rain drops on your tongue, undo and retie those shoes, pour those shots, barf that vodka, love that friend, love that morning, love that family. It is but it isn't and I can't explain it all. It's too hard and too time consuming.

I'll leave on a note of contentment though, if I try, if I can think of the positives. For now, a note to self again, I encourage you to not compare yourself to others because their quest is different than yours. I encourage you to start and end each of your days with both physical and emotional smiles. I encourage you to take your pupps for walks, and walk with your friends where applicable. Oh Gad! Go outdoors. Finish your novels (literally and figuratively, if possible, whatsoever). Continue with Simplicity. Make more bracelets. With your alone time, I encourage you to not spend it being bored and exhausted, but go somewhere. Not the plaza. Go out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out.

P.S. I. T.H.I.N.K. Is it wrong that I think I'm completely fine with this being online?

* * *

andrew says: (12:40:39 AM)
how many times have you watched it katers
andrew says: (12:40:42 AM)
katers - what?
Kate says: (12:41:57 AM)
I can't even count
Kate says: (12:42:22 AM)
And I laughs out loud. Katers is disustingly cute
andrew says: (12:42:42 AM)
andrew says: (12:42:52 AM)
those 2 words rule togehter
andrew says: (12:42:54 AM)
disgustingly cute
andrew says: (12:42:57 AM)
Kate says: (12:43:11 AM)
Hahahaha little bit

No comments:

Post a Comment